Hi, I’m Katrina, and I’m a fangirl.
That’s a loaded word, isn’t it? Fangirl.
I’m here to make the statement that more of us fangirl than we realize, and more of us should fangirl than we currently do. Don’t worry; it’s not an illness, and even if it were, we wouldn’t want to cure it. Follow me through a journey that is not at all in chronological order just as the Doctor would have wanted.
Don’t let the “girl” part of fangirl fool you. Gender means nothing to fangirling, and it’s only because people have such a negative impression of the word that I use it here. I’m not here to say that what you do is or is not fangirling — quite the opposite in fact — and if you have negative connotations with any part of the word, then, by all means, don’t use it. Use another word instead or change it to reflect the gender you identify with. However, there is power in language and it took me a long while before I embraced the term and started using it to describe how I relate to the things I enjoy. I’m very glad I did.
Still, the effects stay with me. Even in 2021 when I hear fangirl, after reading books and films with a positive association, I still imagine fangirl as fans of boy bands shrieking and screaming when their favourite member comes on stage. It’s a negative image, but one that’s hard to shake as society has told me repeatedly that being a fangirl is bad. That it’s not healthy to want to watch everything an actor* has done. It’s not right to make costumes based on your favourite TV show or comic book because it’s childish. Children play dress-up. Dressing up is for Halloween.
Then again, society has also said that chocolate is bad, coffee is bad and red wine is bad. Then they smartened up and said all those things were good for you “when consumed appropriately.” Being a fangirl is no different. Consume and obsess appropriately.
My golden rules:
- Stalking and harassing will always be wrong regardless of how popular and available someone is. Being on TV doesn’t mean they owe you time or energy.
- Never hurt others for what they love.
No one, and certainly not this essay, can tell you how to fangirl as long as you follow the above rules.
For me, to fangirl means to lovingly obsess over a person’s work, a television show, or fictional character. I learn every nuance and in and out of the thing I’m fangirling over. I watch everything an actor has done and start seeing the little things that make them stand out in a sea of actors. I rewatch a TV show until I can quote back the lines and see all the plot holes.
Let’s be honest here, being a fangirl can be an addiction. You spend hours online reading fanfiction, more money than seems sane to make the best possible costume or to secure those elusive convention passes that will let you meet that actor that has changed your life. For some of us, fangirling can give purpose, give us friends, family, and a creative outlet. Everyone is different and everyone “fangirls” or “obsesses” in their way.
Don’t think it’s just TV media, sports are a valid subject, too. If you want to love football and fangirl over it, then go ahead. Do you fangirl over Doctor Who? It’s not that different. They may seem like completely different things, but those die-hard football fans and Whovians share more in common than you think. Both rearrange their lives to watch the match or episode. They dress in team colors and wear jerseys just like their favourite players.
The fantastic “Moths Ate my Doctor Who Scarf” audio and stage show by Toby Hadoke drew attention to the fact that people scorn the Whovian but celebrate the football fan. Why? Fangirling just means loving something so much that you want to think about it all the time. It’s a word to describe discovering new and beautiful things related to things you already enjoy.
When a fellow Whovian told me that Mark Sheppard (who had played Canton Everett Delaware III in the series) had been in “all the things,” I, being the contrarian that I am, decided to take it upon myself to watch everything he had done just to prove that you could. I would meet him early the following year at Gallifrey One, and I was hoping to impress him with this fact.
Please note that this statement: “I’ve seen everything you’ve done” can come across as very flattering or very creepy if you’re not careful. The tone of voice is everything.
I made a spreadsheet of everything Mr. Sheppard had been in and set about researching episode numbers and finding obscure series. I talked to other fans online as well; some provided links to Youtube where old episodes of canceled shows might be online or a compilation of every time the actor appears in an hour and a half movie. All through this experiment cleverly named ‘my spreadsheets’, my partner lovingly teased that I was “fangirling over Mark Sheppard.” At first, I took offense; I was a grown person I was nothing like those screaming fangirls waiting for hours to get a front-row seat.
Then when I rethought it, I was doing precisely that, and I was having so much fun doing it! Maybe fangirling wasn’t an insult after all.
Now this story could end with me enjoying “all the things” and telling Mark that I had watched them all and him telling me to prove it, but it didn’t.
Ok, full disclosure, he did ask me to prove it, and thank you, Soldier of Fortune trivia paying off.
Instead, the story continues into another chapter because fangirling is a very, very slippery slope where one thing inevitably leads to another. At the time of originally writing this in 2014, Mark was currently playing a character on Supernatural. Supernatural is a show I had left behind initially during season three before his character was introduced on the show. I watched the episodes with Mark’s character and fell in love with the show all over again.
I then started back at episode one and caught up. I started looking out for other fans and started participating on Tumblr and Facebook. The SPN Family is so welcoming to new fans, and the breadth of fanfiction is impressive. I also discovered Firefly and joined a local Browncoats group, and started cosplaying Badger. I even got to show Mr. Sheppard himself my Badger cosplay, and he loved it!
One thing quickly led to another as is often the case with fangirling.
Some of these Supernatural and Firefly fans had other interests like the Walking Dead. Like so many fangirls of the show, I watched a few episodes and realized how fascinating Daryl Dixon’s character is and the actor that plays him, Norman Reedus. Remembering the joy and challenge of watching everything Mark Sheppard had done, I thought it would be fun to do the same with Norman Reedus. Foolishly I thought it wouldn’t be as tough because he wasn’t “in all the things,” and he didn’t seem as well known to me.
I was wrong. I was very, very wrong. It’s now 2021, and I still haven’t finished that spreadsheet.
My fangirling was beginning to take shape, and I was starting to learn important things about myself as often happens with big projects.
I like having a goal and an end game. I have issues with anxiety and trouble trusting new television shows and movies. I tend to find a show I like and stick with it by re-watching it rather than moving on to something new.
By fangirling and watching everything an actor has done, I know that they will be entertaining if nothing else, even if the plot and everything else is horrible and disappointing. That actor becomes a safety blanket in that new show. Yes, there will be bad movies, but there will also be other actors and actresses that will open up whole new worlds to explore.
Sometimes that TV show has a spin-off or that spin-off has a main show in the case of Doctor Who and its spin-off Torchwood. Branch out; explore them! As a fan of the US version of a show called Queer as Folk I happened upon a piece of fanfiction where the main characters, Brian and Justin, watched a show that exists in the real world called Torchwood. Thankfully the author knew the show and represented what little of it there was in the story accurately and after commenting and saying how much I liked it, the author recommended I start with the season 2 opener “Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang.”
Leaving aside the walking bisexual representation that is Jack, a character that existed outside of the fact that he was “omnisexual” — which I immediately identified with — he had his own problems I wanted to see him explore. I greedily absorbed everything I could about Torchwood, then about Jack & Ianto. From there it was just a matter of time before I found out about the Doctor.
What in our lives can be affected because we fangirl? The answer is anything!
With Doctor Who my social life would begin and I would meet the love of my life, finally escape a horribly abusive relationship, and find some of the best friends I could ever hope to have. Oh yeah, and started podcasting.
There is a reason people in the public eye are expected to support a charity. Sometimes we feel like we can take on personal challenges because someone we admire has done the same in their life.
Whenever you insult someone by calling them “just a fangirl,” remember what being a fangirl might mean to them. Remember the time and energy they put into their project and consider if you could do the same, you may already be profiting from their labour.
Could you spend hours watching the same five minutes of an episode to make the gifs you add to your Twitter or Facebook post?
What about putting in the time necessary for seemingly endless research just to find that short film when an actor was just getting started? Or to find the materials needed for cosplay?
Fandom and fangirling have touched every aspect of my life. Most of the friends I have right now as well as my partner of 10 years, I met because of fannish things. That’s why I’m so passionate about being a fangirl because it means something to me and is a part of me. I’m Canadian, I’m a writer, I’m a podcaster and I fangirl.
You’ll never know what it can do for your life until you stop worrying, embrace what interests you and learn to love being a fangirl.
*Actor in this essay denotes any professional performer regardless of gender.
